The "Retirement" Conundrum

 

The reality of retirement vanished for me the day my divorce was finalized. I didn’t understand the implications at the time, as I was too busy learning how to support four of us on 50% of what five had previously lived with. I needed to replace a home, a car, and unhappily, a different job that paid more.

The concept of living “paycheck to paycheck” was my daily reality – even with child support. My eyes still burn with tears remembering how I had to sell the townhouse I bought for us. As small as it was (my “bedroom” was actually in the unfinished basement), the mortgage, HOA fees, and utilities quickly overwhelmed me. I added a second job, which created some amount of chaos for my teenage children who were already suffering from the loss of security.  The house I intended to buy was even smaller, but at least it was a single family with a yard. But again, only an unfinished basement would serve as an additional bedroom. Still, we had plans.

The night before the closings on the sale of the townhouse and the purchase of the bungalow I got news that our “new” home was actually not available to buy. The title was not clear, the seller had no right to sell the house, but according to law, had 30 days to solve the legal issues. I stood in the empty townhouse, with our dog, and the sleeping bag I had used the night before, in shock.

First came the uncomfortable conversation with my ex-husband, who had agreed to let the kids stay with him for the transition from one home to another. Then came the call to the movers, who already had all our furniture, to not deliver it, but now start to store it.

I got in my car with the dog to go to the closing of the townhouse and realized that I was homeless. Sure, there was some profit from the sale of the townhouse, but that was supposed to be the down payment on the bungalow. Eventually those funds would decrease significantly over the next months, in order to board the dog in a kennel, pay for a room for myself in a motel, and the storage fees for all our belongings. Feeling put-upon for housing his children, their father stopped paying child support without notifying the court, who later on would not look favorably on that. In the meantime, my children and I had no legal addresses or residency. They were in an educational vacuum zone.

Four months later I closed on an even smaller house. This one didn’t have a basement, so my bedroom became a daybed in the living room. The house needed lots of repairs. It was a roof over our heads and a legal address for school, but I don’t think my kids ever called it home. I called it the Money Pit.

Looking back on those years, I recall watching every dime. All of my kids took part time jobs during high school so they could afford things they wanted or needed. Prom clothes, cell phones, sneakers. I found a better-paying job but was still living paycheck to paycheck. Eventually I was back to having two jobs.

The years went on. The layoff of my whole department after 8 years at that “new job” I took. Almost lost the house, terrified to be homeless again. Finally got another full-time job at a huge pay decrease. This job provided a 401K and I did my best to contribute something. The little something then had to be taken out when the crawl space under the house filled with water and I had to have a complete draining and sump pump system installed. I would tell friends they could come visit my newest home improvement under the house.

The years went on. A new car, and car payment. A new roof, a huge dead tree, fixing the kitchen, fixing the bathroom – no luxuries, just basic home maintenance.  Age 60 passed. Age 65 passed, and I started to get social security. I continued to work the full-time job as well as freelancing. For the first time in my life, I did not feel like I was living paycheck to paycheck. Had some vacation time at the Jersey Shore. Visited my adult children who now lived very far away. Built a porch on the back of the tiny house with the understanding that, it is actually home to me, after 27 years of denying it.

At no time have I ever consider being able to fully retire. I still have a mortgage and property taxes to pay.  I dreamed that my freelance work would grow enough that I could at least leave the full-time job. Right now, it looks like I need to sunset that freelance work and get rid of all the books, paperwork, and paraphernalia. I need to empty my house via garage sales and donations. Age 70 is months away. Reality is HERE. There is no more time left for dreaming of “someday” leisure. It ain’t gonna happen.

 Image by jodeng from Pixabay

 

 Thoughts Along The Sunset Road

I’ve done it. Finished another personal project and sent it out into the world. I have great satisfaction in seeing it through. Yet, there is a nagging part of my brain that is getting louder and louder. The realistic part that lays out my years of creative work and how it really hasn’t amounted to much – just a combination of dreaming and ego-stroking. And yes, I have felt pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. However, as I see the sun setting over my road, there is a certain reality that cannot be ignored.

In 2010 I started on a path that was fueled by the discovery of the importance of laughter. Over that summer I attended 3 events that lit a creative fire in my brain. I threw myself into it, eager to share what I had found out. There was fun and there was joy. However, trying to elevate the work into a profession was hit or miss. Numerous unpaid presentations were offered to me. In my eagerness to please I ended up spending money on signage, giveaways and travel. I spent additional money attending expensive conferences and taking tables at local events – both promoting my laughter programs and selling books. Well, the books were for sale. Few sold. I can’t remember anyone booking a program from these efforts either, although, through intense efforts, I have a handful of paid presentations every year, and a few probono events.

Meanwhile, other creative efforts surfaced. There is my digital art photography – some of it award winning. A few sold.  However, I have probably spent hundreds, maybe even thousands, to support my “creative endeavors,” including publishing my own books. All have given me satisfaction and a sense of pride. None have paid the bills.

It may be possible that the speaking pinnacle was achieved with a Keynote Speakership in 2022, and I am now heading down the other side of the mountain, my backpack full of creative tchotchkes.

Originally, the dream was, this “business” would allow me to retire from full-time work, providing enough income to supplement social security and savings. As I approach my 70^th birthday some of that wisdom that comes with age is bearing fruit. If I died tomorrow, what would be done with all these mostly useless piles of unsold artwork and books, as well as the truckload of research materials, posters and promotional materials? Who would ever be interested in my multiple terabyte drives full of PowerPoint presentations, handout materials and websites? I've had a fun run with this stuff, but unlike my distant cousin, Ray Bradbury, no one is going to take everything from my office and rebuild it in a museum. And with my children scattered in various parts of the country, with families and creative interests of their own, there is not going to be a sentimental family gathering to divide up Mom's "stuff," especially all the things in what I call my writing office.

I am now contemplating the idea of bowing out on my own terms rather than letting illness, senility or death decide how the story ends. A garage sale, a shredder and a dumpster are going to be my best friends.  Maybe I'll have a big bonfire on my 70^th birthday.  Stay tuned. 

 

"What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?" Renewal, Revision, Reinvention:

Press Release for "What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?" by Noreen Braman

 

 

 

PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: Noreen Braman, CLWI

732-874-2845

 

 

“What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?

Local Speaker and Author Releases Handbook for Finding Purpose

 

(Jamesburg, NJ) September 1, 2024 – Noreen Braman, an author from Jamesburg New Jersey, who grew up in East Brunswick, announces the release of her newest book, “What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?” a handbook and self-contained independent study for discovering, or rediscovering, your personal mission and vision.

Braman is an Instructor at the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at Rutgers University, providing well-being subjects for participants aged 50 and older. She learned that many participants were taking classes at OLLI-RU to experience new things, return to interests previously left behind and for some, attain some skill or knowledge about maintaining meaning in life.

“No matter what our stage of life, from being a young career striver through retirement years, we face life changes, some of them coming about without your choice or control. Especially, the journey through midlife and beyond can be an unsettling time. For some, the intense career striving has cooled, or the twists and turns of life may have led to a very different place than originally planned. Feeling adrift may lead to depression, during a time most expect to be flourishing. As parts of life slow down and change, it creates the perfect opportunity to re-examine one’s sense of meaning and purpose, to create fresh vision for the road that lies ahead,” Braman writes in her book.

She also notes that the title of this handbook takes inspiration from the Japanese word “ikigai,” which is sometimes loosely translated as “a reason to get out of bed in the morning.” The cover of the book reflects a humorous depiction of a stick figure jumping out of bed into the light of a smiling sun. As a Certified Laughter Wellness Instructor, and a Chief Well-Being Officer candidate, Braman uses an encouraging lighthearted touch all through the book.

Previous work by Braman includes “Treading Water – The Pandemic Edition” and “A Bouquet of Roses.” Other work can be found on Medium.com, 30seconds.com, and smilesideoflife.com. She is a contributing author to the recent book, “UNSHELTERED-None of Us Are Home Until All of Us Are Home (Unsheltered Book Series).”

Braman’s books are available at Amazon,  Everand, Lulu, and others.

For more information or interviews, Noreen Braman can be reached at info@njlaughter.com or 732-874-2845. Please leave a message if no answer. The website for both Braman’s books and Well-Being services, go to: www.njlaughter.com.

When You See It, Is It Really Porn? Or Something Else That Offends You

I worked in a library children's department for a long time, without coming across an inappropriate book, unless it was In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak, which did cause a stir back in 1970. Little Mickey losing his PJs and flying all around naked. (Actually, who hasn't had that dream?) 

By the time I was doing story hours, no one gave it a second look. Just another children's book, like Strega Nona (banned in some places) or Cat in the Hat (Not this book, but Dr. Suess is not exempt from having some banned books). I've seen books deserve to be retired for out of touch content, and others that may need to stick around just to remind us of our past. (Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain comes to mind.) Never came across anything else that we had, or in catalogs of childrens books to buy, that could have been considered pornography. But "porn in the library" is just a code phrase. And while I've been thinking that it is about a lot of new-age, "woke" (shuddder!) books, and they do get on the lists, I am seeing books of 40 or 50 years vintage on banned book lists. And yes, there are some books of yesteryear that showed misogyny, lack of diversity, or historical inaccuracies. But quite a few are old classics, such as Where the Wild Things Are (Maurice Sendak takes another hit - "too dark") and Charlotte's Web, (because of animals thinking and talking like humans). What's up about that, Doc? Disney, Looney Tunes and Hanna Barbera (to name a few), watch out - you hold the largest corral of thinking and talking animals. (Well, perhaps not Wile E Coyote - Super Genius.)

 I think the real controversy is about what some people describe a "family," and how there are children's books that illustrate differing family structures, as well as depict varying beliefs. Some contain elements of fantasy. There seems to be intense fear in some circles that even just the existence of books outside their parameters can morally corrupt their children. That their own ways of raising and teaching their children can come to naught because a child was exposed to a book that depicted other worlds outside their own definition. 

Once, for a child like me, the public library was a wondrous place, and I freely wandered from the children's department to the young adult area, to the fiction and non-fiction shelves - grabbing any book that caught my eye. I am not naive to think that there aren't books there that are not suitable for children. Or books that have pictures more suitable for the medical college library. But again, parents have the responsibility to instill the values they live with, to steer their young minds in the direction they think is best, and to understand that their children will encounter all sorts of materials in the world that may shock or upset them - even challenge some of the beliefs held in their own home. It is inevitable. Banning a children's book is not going to stop that, in fact, it could inflame curiosity.

So, especially in the children's department, parents should be near their children to help them choose books that they think are suitable. Nothing wrong with telling a small child that "this isn't for you," but a lot wrong with telling all children that. A parent can also go to the library without the child, select books they approve, and still be able to provide free books to their children. Books are expensive - a library in your town is a precious thing.

As the children get older, they will find that some of the titles in the young adult sections include serious works about unpleasant, and horrific things. They also show teenage issues, including the emotional obstacle course they run, just to become adults. If you have laid the groundwork of encouraging thoughtful curiosity, you will be able to talk about what ideas and stories your children and teenager may encounter in the world. 

 As a young adult reader, I came across real life things that I could not believe went on in the world. Some of them shook me deeply, like The Diary of Anne Frank (banned in some places), yet it inspired hopeful poetry, that many years later, as an adult, I would be honored to read, alongside several child poets, when the traveling Anne Frank Exhibit came to my state.

But I also read beautiful and uplifting books, both truth life and fantasy, especially all the Tolkien books - and learned valuable lessons from them. I spent my high school senior year in Independent English and I spent lots of time with Vonnegut. Humor and satire became a source of creativity of my own. Still later, my family tree revealed connections to Mary Perkins Bradbury, who was accused of witchcraft in Salem, (who somehow got out of jail, no one is quite sure how) and Lizzie Borden, who - well you know the story. If anything, should I be concerned about the effects of their inherited genetic tendencies. Sound ridiculous? The gene pool is true. People whose ancestors survived the plague pass down resistance to it. Lots of genetic disorders lurk in inherited genes. And sometimes, genes just go rogue. I am not sure if anything my ancestors read or heard as children is imbedded in my genes. What a wonderful science research paper that could be.

The point is, if there was porn in my libraries (maybe in the medical dictionaries), I didn't encounter it, or have forgotten it. Yes, I think there were some teenage giggles way back in the stacks. Yes, some books have explicit text. I leave it to the librarian - an educated, skilled expert on book classification to place such materials in the correct place.

 Because recently, I've seen book bans that horrify me more than seeing Mickey naked In The Night Kitchen.

Restoring Your Resilience

 

Sometimes it seems like the hits just keep coming. You are caught in a seemingly endless loop of emergencies, disasters, mistakes and just plain old daily responsibilities. You are stressed, exhausted, and barely coping. People who know you are worried. Their offers of help may be met with resistance, even hostility. Your brain no longer has the resilience needed to manage.

Although you feel like it, you are not alone. Recently I reconnected with some high school friends at a reunion. Conversations turned to high school life, and all of us complimenting each other on how successful they were. Each of us envied the other for their perfect life lives. Then came the true stories. Abusive homes, illnesses, mental health issues, substance use issues, and a common denominator of lack of self-confidence. As teenagers we rarely shared our issues. In those years, even reaching out to school for help was met with dismissal, even derision.

In one respect, it made some of us self-reliant. Others of us suffer psychological repercussions to this day. Add managing present day life, and it is no wonder our resilience often resembles a tattered flag desperately trying to hang onto the pole.

The biggest reason for sagging resilience is how the brain works. The brain – including the amygdala – stores not just trauma, but also positive experiences. However, these experiences are not given equal priority. There is a debate on the ratio of how many positive experiences offset negative ones.

This might explain why, during testimony at Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court hearings, Christine Blasey Ford described sharp memories of derisive laughter and physical abuse, but less sharp memories of other events during that time period. Trauma take priority.

Working on trauma is important, and therapeutic options should be utilized. A loving partner or a good friend to talk to, can be invaluable. There are also habits you can develop that helps build back your resilience. Here are my 5 favorite habits to try:

The first habit Mindfulness. Mindfulness meditations are useful to calm and soothe and can be very helpful during times of stress. The other way to use mindfulness is to actually be “mindful” during your daily life. How many things are you doing “mindlessly?” Do you have a feeling of time passing and you don’t remember what you were doing? Are you thinking about what you were doing this morning or what you have to do later rather than focusing on the task at hand? Take time to notice this and redirect yourself to the present moment.

Habit 2 addresses Gratitude. Recent studies using functional MRIs have shown exciting changes to the brain that coordinate with enhanced happiness as a result of purposeful gratitude activities. Make time for gratitude journals, gratitude letters and simple gratitude gestures to others. Thinking of 3 things you are grateful for each evening is a great habit – with the understanding that there will be times the only thing you feel grateful for, is that the day is over. Remind yourself tomorrow can be different!

A sense of Purpose is the focus of habit 3. Having a “reason for getting up in the morning,” is arguably one of the most important and powerful factors in happiness, health and longevity, even if your career work is not exactly aligned. Consider writing your own personal mission and vision statements. A simple example of a vision statement – a perfect you in a perfect world – could be “All shelter pets will find happy homes.” While your mission statement sets out how you would help accomplish this. For example: “My mission is to help out at my local shelter one day a week to re-home pets.”

Anthropologists now believe that Laughter, the subject of habit 4, is a survival mechanism existing in humans before language, or even a sense of humor, developed. Laughter is so powerful it can both lift up the oppressed when used for healing or take down oppressors when used as a weapon. There are laughter exercises (laughter yoga, laughter wellness) that introduces the concept of laughter as a well-being exercise that does not rely on jokes or humor. Laughter releases endorphins and is one of the few habits that benefit both physical and mental health.

Habit 5, Happiness is both as a state of being and a much maligned “pursuit.” What is happiness and why is global society so focused on it that some countries are using it instead of a GDP? Yet, happiness doesn’t fall out of the sky, and in reality, it can be a very fleeting feeling. A better way of thinking of happiness is to have a sense of contentment and life satisfaction in the present moment. Including some of the previous habits above can help you achieve these feelings, and at the same time, restore your resilience for when life is more difficult.

Noreen Braman

Coming soon: "What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?" A handbook for finding personal purpose, mission, and vision after age 50. Watch for availability on the books page of: www.njlaughter.com

The Importance Of Using the Right Word at the Right Time